I love people.
I mean, I really love people.
I like talking to them. Hearing their stories. Asking questions. Making them laugh. Encouraging them. Finding out what they are building, what they are afraid of, and what they secretly hope might still happen with their lives.
Put me in a room full of strangers and my first thought isn’t, How quickly can I escape?
It’s more like:
Awesome. New friends!
This is one reason why life is so wonderful…to me.
It is also, occasionally, exhausting for everyone else.
[Turns to wife, who just gasped out loud…]
Yes dear, I did notice.
I’m the sort of extrovert who walks into a quiet room and thinks,
“Huh. Somebody ought to fix this.”
And apparently ‘somebody’ is you.
So this article is for my fellow extroverts.
The enthusiastic ones.
The conversational ones.
The people who can turn “How are you?” into a 47-minute discussion about childhood dreams, business ideas, theology, grandkids, storytelling, that strange thing your neighbor did with his lawn mower, and why everyone should probably own chickens.
We have gifts.
We really do.
But occasionally...people need a break.
And learning to become quiet, observant, and reflective doesn’t diminish an extrovert.
It makes us better.
Silence Is Not an Emergency
This may come as troubling news to some of us:
Not every silence needs to be filled.
I know.
Shocking.
There can be a pause in a conversation and civilization will continue.
Someone can stare out a window for ten seconds without requiring immediate assistance.
A person can sit beside you without speaking and still enjoy your company.
For extroverts, silence can sometimes feel like an empty space waiting for furniture.
We want to put something there.
A story.
A joke.
A question.
An opinion.
Possibly a small seminar.
But silence isn’tt necessarily emptiness.
Sometimes silence is where people think.
Sometimes it is where they recover.
Sometimes it is where they finally gather enough courage to say the thing they actually wanted to tell you.
PRO TIP: If you fill every gap, they never get the chance.
That realization changed something important for me.
Communication is not simply the ability to speak.
It is the ability to create enough room for another human being to speak too.
Ask a Question...Then Shut Up
Extroverts are often very good at asking questions.
We are not equally good at waiting for the answers.
Yes my friends, there IS a difference.
You can ask someone, “What do you really want to do with your life?”
And then, three seconds later, decide the silence is uncomfortable and begin helping them answer.
NOOOOOOOOOO.
Stop.
Just…stop.
Ask the question.
Then wait.
Just…wait.
Let them search.
Let them stumble.
Let them say, “I don’t know.”
Let them reconsider.
Some of the most important things people say arrive several seconds after we would normally have started talking again.
There is another useful discipline here.
When someone answers your question, don’t immediately respond with your own related story.
That one is painful for me.
Someone says, “My family went through something really difficult last year.”
The extroverted brain immediately searches the archives.
Family hardship? I HAVE ONE OF THOSE.
And suddenly we are telling our story.
We may genuinely be trying to connect.
But sometimes connection means resisting the urge to prove that we understand.
Just say:
“What was that like for you?”
Then listen.
Their story does not need ours standing beside it to become important.
Learn to Notice the Room
One of the most valuable things an extrovert can learn is situational awareness.
Not everyone wants what you want at the moment you want it.
You may be energized by conversation while the person sitting across from you is being slowly drained like a cell phone at 2%.
Neither person is wrong.
They are simply different.
Watch people.
Are their answers getting shorter?
Are they looking around the room?
Are they tired?
Are they trying to return to something they were doing?
Have they said, “Well...” three times while slowly moving toward the door?
That’s not a quirky conversational habit.
They’re trying to escape.
Let them.
One of the kindest things an outgoing person can learn to say is:
“I’ll let you get back to what you were doing.”
And then actually do it.
No bonus story.
No “Oh, one more thing.”
No conversational sequel.
Release the hostage.
Spend Time Alone Without Trying to Accomplish Anything
This can be surprisingly difficult for highly social people.
We often know how to do things alone.
Write.
Work.
Read.
Build.
Plan.
Create.
But being alone and being quiet are not the same thing.
Try sitting somewhere without producing anything.
No phone.
No podcast.
No music.
No scrolling.
No…*choke*…drawing.
No frantic effort to make the time “useful.”
RESIST!
Walk.
Sit outside.
Watch the weather.
Look at the mountains.
Sit near water.
Stare at a fire.
Let your mind wander somewhere without requiring it to bring back a report.
At first your brain will likely behave like a six-year-old who has consumed seventeen Pixy Stix.
Eventually, though, something happens.
You begin hearing yourself.
Thoughts you have been outrunning catch up.
Questions surface.
Ideas connect.
Memories return.
Problems start looking different.
Reflection requires room.
If every waking moment is filled with input, conversation, entertainment, noise, and productivity, our minds never get the empty space required to sort out what any of it means.
Don’t Confuse Being Quiet With Becoming Someone Else
This matters.
I am not interested in becoming an introvert.
I’m quite happy being me.
I like people.
I like conversation.
I like laughter.
I like getting people excited.
I like walking into a room where I don’t know anyone and leaving with people I genuinely care about.
Those are strengths.
But every strength becomes a weakness when it is used without restraint.
Confidence can become arrogance.
Generosity can become enabling.
Determination can become stubbornness.
Leadership can become control.
And enthusiasm can become domination.
Maturity is not getting rid of your strengths.
It is learning when not to use them.
There are times when the most loving thing an extrovert can contribute to a conversation is nothing.
Just attention.
Listen for What People Don’t Say
The older I get, the more interested I become in the things underneath conversations.
People rarely walk around announcing their deepest struggles.
They say:
“Things have been busy.”
“I’m fine.”
“We’re figuring it out.”
“It’s been a weird year.”
“I’m just tired.”
Sometimes those sentences mean exactly what they say.
Sometimes they don’t.
You cannot discover the difference if you are waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can begin.
Watch their face.
Listen to their tone.
Notice when the words and the person don’t quite match.
Then gently give them room.
Not interrogation.
Not amateur therapy.
Just room.
“You don’t have to talk about it, but if you ever want to, I’ll listen.”
Then mean it.
There is enormous kindness in becoming the kind of person who does not need to be the center of every conversation.
Practice Leaving Something Unsaid
This one might save several marriages.
Not every thought deserves parole.
You can think something without releasing it into the community.
I have opinions.
Lots of them.
I’m a writer.
Producing opinions is practically part of the manufacturing process.
But maturity has taught me to ask better questions before speaking.
Does this need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said right now?
Will this help?
Am I adding clarity, or am I merely adding Jaime?
That last question has saved me more than once.
Sometimes the wisest sentence in a conversation is the one you decide not to say.
Become Interested Instead of Interesting
This may be the biggest one AND there hardest for my kindred.
Extroverts can become very good at being interesting.
Stories.
Humor.
Energy.
Personality.
Experiences.
Ideas.
We know how to keep a conversation alive.
But there is something far more powerful than being interesting.
It’s being interested.
People rarely forget the person who made them feel genuinely heard.
Ask about their work.
Their children.
Their dreams.
Their frustrations.
Their ridiculous hobby involving miniature Civil War figurines.
Whatever matters to them.
Then resist the temptation to redirect the conversation toward something that matters more to you.
You already know your stories.
You have heard all of them.
Some repeatedly.
This other person is an entire human life you haven’t explored yet.
That’s fascinating.
Let Other People Be Funny
I realize I may lose some extroverts here.
But someone else can occasionally get the laugh.
You don’t have to improve their joke.
You don’t have to top their story.
You don’t have to produce the better punchline.
You don’t have to tell the story about the time something even crazier happened to you.
Just laugh.
Let them have the moment.
This sounds small, but it is not.
People notice when someone is secure enough to let others shine.
Pay Attention to the Quiet Person
Nearly every group has one.
The person who speaks less.
The person everyone talks over.
The teenager standing at the edge.
The spouse who has heard their louder partner tell the same story fourteen thousand times.
The employee who never fights for airtime.
The friend who waits patiently for openings that never arrive.
Look for that person.
Then create room.
“What do you think, Sarah?”
And when Sarah starts answering...everyone else be quiet.
Including you.
Especially you.
Some extraordinarily insightful people are surrounded by people who never stop talking long enough to discover it.
Reflection Makes You Better at Everything Else
Quiet isn’t merely a social skill.
It changes you.
A reflective person begins recognizing patterns.
Why did that conversation bother me?
Why did I react so strongly?
Why do I keep avoiding that decision?
Why am I trying so hard to impress this person?
Why am I angry?
Why am I afraid?
Why does this matter so much?
Those questions require time.
And they require honesty.
Noise makes avoidance easy.
Reflection makes avoidance difficult.
That may be why some of us unconsciously resist silence.
Silence starts asking questions.
But those questions are often where growth begins.
Writers need this.
Parents need this.
Leaders need this.
Spouses need this.
Friends need this.
Human beings need this.
There Is a Difference Between Being Heard and Being Present
For much of life, we naturally focus on making ourselves understood.
There is nothing wrong with that.
But eventually I think there is a better question:
Do people feel understood when they are with me?
That shifts everything.
It moves the goal from performance to presence.
From being impressive to being useful.
From speaking to connecting.
From getting attention to giving it.
And I think that is one of the great transitions of adulthood.
When we’re young, we often enter a room wondering:
“Will these people like me?”
As we mature, maybe the better question becomes:
“How can the people in this room leave stronger because I was here?”
Sometimes the answer is encouragement.
Sometimes it’s laughter.
Sometimes it’s advice.
Sometimes it’s a story.
And sometimes...the answer is shutting up.
I say that affectionately.
Mostly to myself.
Yes, Your Voice Matters. But So Does Your Silence.
I don’t believe extroverts need to become quieter people.
The world needs enthusiasm.
It needs boldness.
It needs people willing to introduce themselves first, start conversations, encourage strangers, gather communities, tell stories, challenge assumptions, and remind everyone that life is still worth getting excited about.
I don’t NEED a ‘click’…I invade yours.
But the world also desperately needs people who know how to listen.
The best version of an extrovert is not someone who has learned to suppress their personality.
It is someone whose personality has become disciplined enough to serve other people instead of constantly demanding their attention.
Becoming a grandpa taught me that.
Talk.
Laugh.
Tell the story.
Ask the question.
Encourage somebody.
Bring energy into the room.
Be fully and unapologetically yourself.
Then occasionally...stop.
Look around.
Listen.
Think.
Notice the people standing beside you.
You may discover something remarkable.
When you stop trying to fill every moment...other people start filling it with things you never would have heard otherwise.
And that might be the whole point.
Your voice has tremendous value.
Just remember:
So does everybody else’s.
Give them a chance to use it.
Cause people need a break.
You’ve got this.
Jaime Buckley
This is one of the most powerful posts I've seen you write. I'm an introvert, but I recognize a bunch of those challenges for myself as well. My mother once made a sale to someone who called her office as a wrong number. That was just who she was. When people asked her secret to super-sales? It was always one thing: she listened. Of course, her sweet Southern accent didn't hurt.