Survive Subtlety with Simplicity
All of us have ‘low’ moments in our lives. The times when you may feel that all is lost, or perhaps you have failed someone you love or care for deeply. It can be a damning experience if we aren’t careful, because it seems to be human nature to brand ourselves through a clouded filter of life and self-reflection.
Let me use myself as the guinea pig here. I’m married to a wonderful woman and have 11 amazing children, 3 incredible grandchildren and a job most people can only dream of. Yet with all that comes a world of responsibility, a world you have to flow with, be aware of and maintain a level of honor, integrity and in all cases accountability.
Well guess what? I screw up a lot. In so many aspects of life, I find myself unable to stay focused on more than the most narrow of subjects. My memory is constantly taxed in each and every endeavor to the point that I rely on others to remember birthdays, holidays, doctors appointments, meetings and all other social engagements. Heck, I even forgot how old I was….twice, and had to ask my wife for confirmation.
This is a mild version of what my point is, and that is: sometimes we let others down.
No matter how hard we try, there’s not a perfect soul among us and sooner or later we will fall short. That’s when we feel the guilt, the shame and frustration, especially when we are giving our lives everything we have. Personally, I try and reinvent myself every day, to do better today than I did yesterday…but try as I might, sometimes the universe makes me out to be a liar.
That’s when simplicity comes into play. Keeping communications clear and concise. Hold a soft heart and an open mind while standing your ground against life. The trick is to clean that perception filter before you find yourself convinced that all is lost, you’re unfit or unworthy to be loved, appreciated or even tolerated. I’ve been there dozens of times and it’s all a lie.
The subtle effects of your environment can cloud your judgment. The key is to fill your heart with love, gratitude and appreciation for others, including yourself. Believe it or not, you’re worth the effort and it can’t rain forever. Hold your ground and wait for a new day while being ready to say ‘I’m sorry’ to those around you.
Read MoreBaby -vs- Novel
As hard as we are working to finish this first novel, my beloved editor and translator to the world is too close to having the baby to spend any time thinking about writing. I don’t blame her. Arguing about points of Iskari History and whether to include the mating rituals of the Blue Bumbleback Hornswallows doesn’t apeal to me right now either.
I’m going to be a daddy again and I’m excited.
So this is notification that the Wanted Hero novel: Prelude to a Hero is on hold until the baby comes and Kathilynn can get settled in. I know that throws off the May 27th date for publication, but I will make it up to those great readers who contributed to it’s printing with an extra signed copy for the wait. It’s baby versus the book and I’m not shy to say the book loses out for the moment.
It has always been my blessing to be at home for the first two weeks with my wife and to take care of her and the baby. Not going to stop now. Life happens and we roll with it. I’ll keep you all up to date.
God Bless.
Jaime Buckley
Read MoreRights of a Child: Unconditional Love
I have been talking about love as a right a child should expect from a parent. In the previous article, principle based love was mentioned, to which a reader connected to ‘unconditional love’.
I agree.
What conflicts in my mind however (and this is only my opinion here, BTW) is the misunderstood application of ‘unconditional love’. Where parents all too often believe that turning the other cheek or ignoring the behavior of a child, regardless of what they do, is in fact unconditional love. Unconditional love is a separation of the sin from the sinner so to speak.
Principle based love is, I believe, a step further in combining accountability with mercy and understanding and instruction.
- Children can be taught at a very early age, the principles and concepts of accountability. Simon is a good example.
When Simon (age 3) writes on my white bedroom walls with a marker, I don’t stop loving him. Nothing can change that. However, I do hold him accountable and show him that his actions require him to make amends if possible. In this case, I show him how to clean the marks with a rag and soapy water, making the motions with him and then watch over him until he has cleaned the mark (within his ability to do so).
I expressed my disappointment, linking it to his action, but then I always increase my display of love as he is willing to follow my directions and make amends. Another good example with Simon is when I call him. Even when he has done something wrong and he knows he might be punished, he comes when called. Why? Because that is what’s expected. It is a consistent pattern reinforced over time through repetition. He knows that I will always talk with him first. We walk through the situation on his level of understanding and what he might have done wrong, explaining why it was wrong. I ask him questions to engage his mind and force his brain to come up with solutions, while recognizing his participation in the events. I give him that respect even as a child, to build his self-awareness, but also hold him accountable for what he’s done.
Again, afterward I pour my love out to him so he knows I adore him,and that I want him to make better choices in the future.
Principle based love is consistent and just.
Read MoreRights of a Child: Love
The basic foundation principle of a parent, at least in my own mind, should be love.
Now love is actually a big subject, especially when the world has distorted, misused, chopped up, mutilated and all but destroyed the definition of the word. From a loving mother, holding her new child in her arms after birth, whispering it for the first time….to the perversions of what Hollywood would have you believe, “Love” is defined as many things.
We have tough love, unconditional love, paternal love, brotherly love, the love between a husband and wife, even a ‘love of violence’. So where do we place ourselves as parents when it comes to love in conjunction with out little ones?
I have spent some time reading, talking with my children and even heard a great sermon in church Sunday ON Love, and it deserves to be looked at closely.
My sweet little daughter: Leilani Alyse Uapafutiolevaaoalii Buckley
In wondering how my children felt, I set my yellow pad down and called out to a few of my older children, Cesilea (18), Leilani (15) and Jessica (14). I asked them if they knew mom and I loved them. They just chuckled and said “Of course!” But when I asked them how, they looked puzzled. They couldn’t clarify at first. Nothing came to any of them, until Ditto (Cesilea) jabbed Leilani in the shoulder and laughed: “I know you love Lei, because you didn’t send her back for a working model!”.
It took them some time, but they finally told me they knew they were loved because of a structure we had in our home. When they thought about it, every action and decision Kathi and I made concerning them was engineered for their development. For their progression and their good. Ditto added that the pattern was there, even when they didn’t see it at first.
There were times when my children interacted with their friends, and they would witness conduct from their friends towards their parents, especially the mothers which would make them cringe. It was completely unacceptable behavior and they would come home, embarrassed for themselves…and their friends. “Why would they do that (or say that) to their own mother?” they would ask. Oh, my kids have struggles like any other youth, and they have good days and bad days. My goal is just to help them have far more of the good days.
I took the question next to my Sunday School class. I’m a strict adult, very abrupt, but for some strange reason, the kids want me back every year. That’s gone on for nearly 15 years now.
Standing before 14 twelve year olds (mostly girls), I snapped “Do I hate you guys?”
The room burst into giggles and an occasional laugh. “No.” they replied.
“But I yell at you often!” I bellowed.
One young lady smiled back. “But you love love us anyway.”
I smiled back. They were right. I loved each of them and prided myself on having the brightest kids in Church. Hmmm. I don’t hug them. I don’t change their diapers or feed them. In fact, I tell them stories and frequently call them ‘little craps’ when they act badly. Yet they come back, week after week, parents thank me and say their child has never loved church so much as in that class.
So what kind of love produces that type of result? Is it the same type of love my own children experience in our family?
Read MoreMy Latest Book
