What the…manners?
I saw something last Saturday that made me laugh so hard my sides hurt.
Took the children to T-Ball and cheered my guts out. During the game, two children, a boy and a girl on the opposite team had the ball drop right smack between them. Everyone’s screaming and pointing at them as my daughter runs to first base. Yet these two paused each time the other bend down to pick up the ball. I could hear their faint voices above the roar as I sat on the side lines.
They were offering the ball to each other!
My daughter made it to first base without a hitch and the grownups around me screamed in frustration as I stopped laughing.
Those sweet little kids actually had manners. True blue, honest to goodness manners!
That stuck with me for the rest of the day and up to now a I pondered and smiled, realizing that there are still parents out there (at least two families I know of now) that are still committed to teaching their children the importance of manners and good social graces. Hey, we won’t always be playing baseball, but I assure you those two little kids will always be impressing the parents.
Read MoreHow Do You Say Sorry?
In 20 years of marriage, father of 11 brilliant children and owner/co-owner of several businesses, I have learned by sad experience how critically flawed I am. Those I love most and those I worked closest with, were consistently hurt the deepest. For example, the heart of a child can be deeply wounded when we, as parents ask the wrong questions, challenging aspects of their nature they thought secure in your eyes. Yet in a moment, in a breath, we can create a chasm between us.
This isn’t an intentional thing we do, but those who are closest to us lower their defenses naturally. They trust us and/or care about us that they allow us access to their hearts. So when we do something stupid, even something as minor as a comment, the damage is far greater than if the same act was against a stranger.
I have been thinking about this subject for over a year now, because I find myself unable to repair damages I’m not even sure I caused.
A few years ago, we had a young woman named Bonnie came to work with my partners and I. She was fresh out of school, filled with ideas and bursting with talent in the marketing/branding/design fields. Now I’m a cartoonist, and my position up to that point was the marketing and promotion of our company, so the first emotional reaction at the moment she walked on the screen was: threat. Now why would I, a partner of the company, feel threatened by an attractive young consultant?
- It had nothing to do with her talent: her design skills far outclassed my own and I knew it. It was the reason she was hired in the first place and I actually EXCITED she was there–to do all the things I couldn’t.
- It had nothing to do with her presence: she is a lovely woman, intelligent and capable of anything she decides to do, and her manners / respect for others were impeccable.
- It had nothing to do with her performance: when Bonnie was given any assignment, you could rest assured it would be done not only correctly, but with several options to choose from. She far exceeded any of our expectations.
- It had nothing to do with her education and the lack of my own: she was a college grad, but I was the street guy with world experience under my belt. She knew things I certainly didn’t, while I also had a reputation for succeeding in areas others said wouldn’t work. There was 0% intimidation.
So what was it that drove me insane with dread?
It was the influence she had on my partner. That’s right. He was so impressed with Bonnie’s work, and rightly so…he would make company wide decisions without consulting his partners that affected our company as a whole and us as individuals. In effect, Bonnie became more powerful than the other three partners combined.
That bothered me. A lot.
Here’s the clincher: it had nothing to do with her. It wasn’t her fault. Never was.
She was hired and assigned projects, which she did with full purpose and style. I was always impressed without exception. However, my lack of ability to communicate tactfully and a genetic disposition for open confrontation resulted in challenging her everything she did in front of my partner. When it should have been isolated between the partners, I offended an innocent bystander.
To this day she won’t speak to me, though she holds regular communications with all my ex-partners.
Can’t even get close enough to apologize. Wish I knew then what I know now, but I guess that is life.
Be careful what you say and especially how you say it. You may think you can apologize at a future time…but they might not allow you that golden opportunity.
In the end, you will regret you ever opened your mouth in the first place.
Read MoreModern Music Morons.
I was driving my son to work this morning and we happened to be in the same mood for some music, so we flipped on the radio and settled for a catchy modern tune. Now, I shock many parents, but even more youth when they find what’s on my iPod or where my kids actually get their music sources. We are a well rounded family, from Mozart to Journey to Earth Wind and Fire, to Carry Underwood and back to Yanni to level to the playing field.
With the exception of Rap, I’m a relatively open guy, so long as the lyrics aren’t trash.
Yet something hit me in this song I was listening to and it seemed to echo many of the latest pop artist tunes and I wanted to bring this thought out.
Has anyone noticed that the very artists who our kids idolize and desire to emulate, are the same ones we find in the news for drugs, adultery, endless counts of ‘he said, she said’ cheating on boyfriend/girlfriend and violence…while singing songs about love, forever, eternity, we were meat to be…yadda, yadda, yadda???
I heard the phrase “we were meant to be” in this song, right after he admitted he was cheating with another woman, but since they were “meant to be” he should be forgiven as if it never happened?
Maybe after his donkey nuts were put in a vice and crushed to a powder, but even then it wouldn’t be likely. Not if the girl had any brains. But does anyone see this pattern in the music of the day? This seems to be the theme in much of the youth bands or pop artists. Kids too young to know how to deal with the pimples on their face, let alone understand what ‘love’ actually is. Certainly not ‘eternity’ being sung by a gangbanger who’s life expectancy is closer to 24 than 74.
Tell me I’m not crazy here. Tell me there are smarter people out there than those wanting to emulate the artificial intelligences like Britney Spears or Beyonce who think being good is wearing a cross between their breasts while they shake them like cheap prostitutes in front of our kids!? Maybe I’m the slow one, I don’t know…but doesn’t this bug anyone but me?
If your a parent or a kid with an opinion on this, I’d really like to hear it…because after unloading this brain fart on my son Evan, he agreed with me fully. I was quite relieved, especially after reviewing his own iPod playlist (which we share).
What’s your view?
Read MoreParenting: The catch 22
It was a long but good weekend, starting off with Cesilea’s 18th birthday, charged with loud and excited youth in celebration of another semi-adult joining their tribe.
Saturday and Sunday brought some challenges in reminders of how our parenting style and system has changed over the years. It came up while observing Jami Taylor and Ethany coming out of their room several times in the late evening (when they’re supposed to be a asleep), to tattle on siblings when it was completely unnecessary.
Parents have a difficult job, just from the duty of providing and caring for the physical needs of a child. With each new life comes an unlimited string of variables no one can predict, from personality traits to when the dog might be shaved bald and painted an off pink. Now compound that stress level by having the responsibility of providing their emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well. This is no easy task.
The main catch 22 of the parenting equation, however, is the job itself.
You see, while you have your offspring under a microscope, they have one firmly fixed on you as well.
Babies are MEANT to be cute, so you totally forget what they'll be like once they're teenagers...
As young children grow into teenagers and momentarily become retarded by the ‘I know more than you could possibly understand’ gene, they fail to realize that we as parents are plagued by a no win situation. We are trying to teach and guide while trying to learn and grow ourselves. This also means we, as the parents make mistakes and errors in our judgment as we try to perfect our job.
Heaven forbid! Mistakes you say? Aye, mistakes.
Yet children, whether it be from a genetic predisposition or simple youth prejudice, rarely give us the benefit of the doubt (or leeway) they openly and boldly demand (or hope) we give them. We have the double burden of trying to teach our kids while being examples worthy of emulation, while they scrape our tired, spent bodies across their unyielding microscope looking for flaws.
When my oldest children approached me not long ago and asked why I didn’t treat them the same way I do their little siblings, all I could do was shrug my shoulders and give them hugs.
“I didn’t know how to do that when you were little. I’m sorry.”
It’s actually a profound revelation for teenagers if you can sit them down to have arational talk on this subject, but for those who simply have a house full of hormone dominant teenagers who can only see their one point of view, take heart. You’re far from alone.
It happens to every single parent on planet Earth.
Welcome to the club.
Read MoreRights of a Child: Love (Part 2)
Yesterday I talked about different types of love and about confronting my own children and Sunday School class about my feelings towards them. In all cases, they knew without doubt that I loved them. Not just my own children, but the kids I teach.
I believe Love is the foundation of being a parent. Yet we have bad examples around us in society beating upon us and especially our kids, which erode the meaning of ‘I love you’ to something said in passing…if anything at all. “I love ya.”
Carley can laugh in such a unique way, which brings anyone who hears her to giggling tears as well!
No.
I tell my children “I love you.”
If they say they love me, I reply with “I love you back.”
Try saying that specifically to your child and see if you feel a difference in your own heart.
I believe loving a child should be principle based, not personality based. It still has emotion attached TO it, but it’s not based UPON it. I love my child for the simple reason that he/she exists, regardless of a tantrum, a bad choice or a mistake. I love them because they are unique, because they are an unknown potential and because in each of them is an unlimited line of more unique beings (a line of posterity), that without this one child…will never exist.
That’s what I see in my child: an endless line of life and brilliance. I also find myself feeling love for other children (and adults for that matter) for the same reasons.
There are times when youth come to me when they will no longer talk with their parents. I’m talking about college students and married couples who come visit with me. Why? They tell me it’s because of our history. Because my love is not dependent on their actions and we have an established relationship of honesty with one another that they need not fear. Because I don’t base my love on emotions, the challenge at hand doesn’t sway my council or my desire to care for them. It has provided opportunities to instruct children when they might not listen to their own parents, and in many instances, giving me the opportunity to point out and validate a parents decision.
Children are anything but stupid. A child will feel this principle based love to the bone, which presents and reinforces itself through rough experiences, trials and challenges, long after the emotion of a hug or a kiss has worn off.
Principle based love is what you can count on.
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