Opinions
Dear Children,
The world is filled with people who have different views than you do.
Yes, you may know this, but it’s wise to stop and ponder this subject in depth. I promise you that a close examination will prevent many heartaches and help you understand yourself as well as those around you. Friends, family, a love, a stranger, an employer, a political figure, a religious leader. This is a skill to serve you well if you will listen with both mind and heart.
It is perfectly ok to have a different opinion than others, even if you part without common ground. You know this from your interactions with myself and your mother. We have always respected your views when talked about in rational and calm tones. You have heard me walk through my decisions, giving a plan path for you to follow in how the decision was justified in my own mind. Rarely have you disagreed once the process was laid before you. Why? Because, I believe, you all have rational minds and a natural love for the truth. You know we love you and want the best for you. We want you to use your minds, your hearts and to reason out thoughts and paradigms placed before you.
Don’t be surprised, however, if people disagree with you and passionately too.
The challenge in discussing any opinion, according to my own rational mind, is whether it is based on fact or feeling. This is an important distinction, because I truly believe a feeling is not wrong. It may be wrongly placed, based on false information, but in and of itself, its simply what we feel or allow ourselves to feel. Anger, fear, sadness and others are simply results of how we process the information in our minds, or rather the interpretation of that information. Feelings unfortunately become our religion in many instances, holding them tight to our hearts, shouting our pain and the troubles to the world. Yet in that pain and emotion, we may lose sight of the facts, the actual truth of the matter and seek to change the circumstances to lend credibility to our initial outbursts. We want our feelings validated, both men and women to a certain degree, though I believe men gravitate more to side stepping embarrassment rather than validation.
This is a slippery slope, to speak your heart without researching and working out the facts in your mind to accompany them. Many discussions I have been privy to have ended badly with parties offended, because I seemed cold, while the debating parties rambled on in their righteous indignation, silenced in the end by simply bringing up rational questions about their nasty, aggressive emotional babbling.
Be very careful when you have strong emotional feelings, even if you are convinced they are right. Let your strong emotions lend strength to the actual truth, not the reverse. Words form easily in the heart of anger or the depths of a wallowing victim. Words which cannot be easily taken back once loosed, if at all. If you find yourself in error, never fear to apologize openly and sincerely. If you do not, you have committed a greater offense. Good men and women of society respect those who take responsibility for their actions and words and it’s how I have raised you to act.
When you speak, always try to do so thoughtfully, respectfully, rationally and calmly. It’s bee a hard thing for me to practice myself, but when I have applied those very rules of conduct, my path remains clear and the barriers few that I cannot surmount. Always strive to be kind and benevolent. Show grace and kindness, reaching out to others and soothing their minds and hearts by finding something genuine about them which you can admire. This is possible with anyone, even if it is limited to the color of their shoes. Be kind and be peacemakers, standing your ground with purpose, strength and boldness.
Respect the opinions of others. Not necessarily the content, but rather their right to have an opposite opinion to your own. It’s what makes the world go round and more importantly, you will see when you marry, that to have a beloved spouse with another point of view is a great strength. It’s what I admire so deeply about your mother. She sees things I simply do not, yet we are one and thus I look upon it as having two sets of eyes. It has become a tremendous strength to me over the years. I find it absolutely priceless, especially when I have been the fool and I can be redeemed through another’s view.
When talking with others who are so desperate and determined to have their point agreed with, with no sign of laying a common ground, listen carefully to the way they weave their words. I say weave, because you will see a common practice to turn the focus on you rather than taking responsibility for themselves. There is, many times, ill intent involved at our expense. To turn other listeners or readers upon you through accusations and meaningless banter to cover their own mistakes and wrongful boastings.
Unfortunately it has always been a great pleasure of mine to deal with such individuals and I must say mercy should be the priority, so long as you do not yield the actual truth of your statements. I fear I have been a bad example in this matter. A bully is a bully, regardless of the medium, and people with ill intent take the truth to be hard. Let me prepare you then, in a better manner than my own rough conduct and give you a key to this process. Ask clarifying questions. Ask them to repeat and define what they are saying, so that you can better understand their position, their thought process and see if perhaps you missed their intent. Repeat their answers back to them. In print, keep records, especially on the internet, where your words leave, never to be erased from the memory of computers or the research of others.
If you will always say what you mean and mean what you say, standing on the facts, you will find little you cannot overcome. My advice, however, is to avoid contention and walk away from individuals who simply refuse to see reason or to discuss any subject with you in a respectful manner. It is fine to state things in a bold and matter-of-fact manner, especially if the truth must be heard.
In the end, understand that there are those who do not have hearts to feel, ears to hear or eyes to see, except for what they have crafted in their own minds and hearts. Those are individuals you must be wary of. They leave a wake of frowns and curses, and many of them love the contention just for the sake of contention. Soothe feelings if you can and pray for them. Pray their hearts will be softened and they will see reason.
…or that they will fall prey to their own snares.
Frankly, I prefer the latter.
With all my love,
Your Father.
Read MoreHoly Hannah My 3 Yr Old Can WHINE!
Anyone who knows my three year old Simon adores him. There’s no reason not to. He’s funny, wired and dangerously smart. His recall and comprehension levels are off the charts. Good thing is, he has a great heart: loves his family, loves people, obeys his father.
Any parent knows God has a marvelous sense of humor. We get many things we pray for. However, there’s always a trade off. He supplies your wants in exchange for some unique challenges.
I prayed for Simon to be bright, to be hyper for his brothers and father to play with him (we had suffered without more testosterone in the house for tooooooo long), and I wanted him to have a good heart. What I didn’t cover was his sick face. You know what I mean–the face all kids get when they have a fever or upset stomach. Some loud childen become peaceful when they’re sick and just want to cuddle of be held. Some children, who are soft and peaceful show that they have one foot in the burning underground. Their heads start spinning around and fire leaps from their mouths.
Yeah, Simons one of those.
The hard part is, he’s child #9 and I have yet to figure out HOW to help him calm down and chill out when he’s ill. I’m willing to help him in any way possible, but he simply won’t stop freaking out. Three days of that as long as he’s awake can wear the nerves of any adult!
So this is a call of mercy, out to any of you parents who have a child who may be a challenge when they’re sick. How do you help sooth the heart of a screaming banshee??
Read MoreYour mother, my beloved.
Dear Children,
I’m a strict parent. I know it’s not a secret and that will not change. Each family member has duties, responsibilities and rules to follow so we can achieve and maintain our happy little home. Doesn’t always work, I know, but you have all seen that it works far more than not. Your mother and I love each other and we love all of you dearly. We base our decisions upon principle, not the popular whims of your friends or their own families, which at times has caused friction between us. The rest of the chaos in our home is based on selfishness. Feelings so important to us that we simply will not listen to another point of view or humble ourselves to be instructed by those with more wisdom and experience.
I’ve tried to show you that most of the worlds problems are from nothing more than a root in selfishness. Think about that one for a spell and see where you come up. Blame world hunger, war, the bad politicians we have in every facet of this government on whatever else you like, but 9 out of 10 times it’s gonna be complete horse crap.
It all eventually comes down to selfishness.
In this family, there is a patriarchal order. You don’t have to agree with that, doesn’t matter in the least because this family is not a democracy. You may elect to establish one in your own family someday, but in this family, everyone has a place and a measure of respect, simply because of who you are. I don’t yell at you or spank you or even ground you. I talk with you and strive to work out the problems between us. I love you. You’re part of our family unit and that means something, from birth to death. It means something to me, your father.
However, in this family you must realize mom is the Queen.
I love each of you children with all my heart. I would die for you and take life for you, but someday each and every one of you are going to leave this home and start families or lives of your own. What will remain is your mother and I. She doesn’t know this, but one of the things I felt when we met so long ago, was an excitement about growing old together. To care for her, protect her and cherish her forever.
I loved her first. I loved her the most. I will love her last.
You don’t understand this yet, but the love I have for your mother cannot be defined. Not without making it sound less than what it truly is. Words truly cannot describe the experiences of growing old together and building dreams together, sharing the pain and suffering, the stress and grief along with untold joy. You must experience it for yourself.
Just know this: I choose her.
If you act in such a way as to divide this house and make me choose, you will lose every time. I am on the side of correct principle. Your mother also lives by principle and is why she holds the respect of so many, including myself. You fight her because of your selfishness, wanting to have your choices supported, regardless of who they may hurt. I caution you not to alienate your greatest defender…because she has kept your butts away from many a swatting over the years.
She is the mercy in our home. I am not. Keep that in mind.
Know that when you step outside the bounds of your place and bring disrespect upon this family and most particularly upon your own mother, you chose to go where I cannot follow. At that point, she no longer stands as your mother. She then becomes my wife and I will defend and protect her from you.
As your father I have many expectations, hopes, desires and requests. However, I have one absolute demand:
Respect and honor your mother. She is Queen of my heart, my home and my family. She is my life, my love and my beloved. God help any person who wounds her heart and gets within my reach.
She brought you into this life, bearing you in pain and anguish. Has raised you in love, caring for you, cooking for you, cleaning your clothes and educating you. She deals with your tantrums, your misconceptions, open rebellions and unrighteous accusations. Yet she bears with you in patience, in love and cares for you regardless, unwilling to leave you to your own design. All these things she does to help you develop and have a good life. Above all, she is your advocate with me, when many times you act in such a way I felt it would be wise to simply make another.
You are free to feel as you wish towards me, but I’m here as your father first, then your friend, not the reverse. I now draw the line at your feet and plead with you not to cross it.
Please, respect and love your mother.
This is non negotiable.
Love,
Your Father.
Read MoreRights of a Child: Unconditional Love
I have been talking about love as a right a child should expect from a parent. In the previous article, principle based love was mentioned, to which a reader connected to ‘unconditional love’.
I agree.
What conflicts in my mind however (and this is only my opinion here, BTW) is the misunderstood application of ‘unconditional love’. Where parents all too often believe that turning the other cheek or ignoring the behavior of a child, regardless of what they do, is in fact unconditional love. Unconditional love is a separation of the sin from the sinner so to speak.
Principle based love is, I believe, a step further in combining accountability with mercy and understanding and instruction.
- Children can be taught at a very early age, the principles and concepts of accountability. Simon is a good example.
When Simon (age 3) writes on my white bedroom walls with a marker, I don’t stop loving him. Nothing can change that. However, I do hold him accountable and show him that his actions require him to make amends if possible. In this case, I show him how to clean the marks with a rag and soapy water, making the motions with him and then watch over him until he has cleaned the mark (within his ability to do so).
I expressed my disappointment, linking it to his action, but then I always increase my display of love as he is willing to follow my directions and make amends. Another good example with Simon is when I call him. Even when he has done something wrong and he knows he might be punished, he comes when called. Why? Because that is what’s expected. It is a consistent pattern reinforced over time through repetition. He knows that I will always talk with him first. We walk through the situation on his level of understanding and what he might have done wrong, explaining why it was wrong. I ask him questions to engage his mind and force his brain to come up with solutions, while recognizing his participation in the events. I give him that respect even as a child, to build his self-awareness, but also hold him accountable for what he’s done.
Again, afterward I pour my love out to him so he knows I adore him,and that I want him to make better choices in the future.
Principle based love is consistent and just.
Read MoreRights of a Child: Love (Part 2)
Yesterday I talked about different types of love and about confronting my own children and Sunday School class about my feelings towards them. In all cases, they knew without doubt that I loved them. Not just my own children, but the kids I teach.
I believe Love is the foundation of being a parent. Yet we have bad examples around us in society beating upon us and especially our kids, which erode the meaning of ‘I love you’ to something said in passing…if anything at all. “I love ya.”
Carley can laugh in such a unique way, which brings anyone who hears her to giggling tears as well!
No.
I tell my children “I love you.”
If they say they love me, I reply with “I love you back.”
Try saying that specifically to your child and see if you feel a difference in your own heart.
I believe loving a child should be principle based, not personality based. It still has emotion attached TO it, but it’s not based UPON it. I love my child for the simple reason that he/she exists, regardless of a tantrum, a bad choice or a mistake. I love them because they are unique, because they are an unknown potential and because in each of them is an unlimited line of more unique beings (a line of posterity), that without this one child…will never exist.
That’s what I see in my child: an endless line of life and brilliance. I also find myself feeling love for other children (and adults for that matter) for the same reasons.
There are times when youth come to me when they will no longer talk with their parents. I’m talking about college students and married couples who come visit with me. Why? They tell me it’s because of our history. Because my love is not dependent on their actions and we have an established relationship of honesty with one another that they need not fear. Because I don’t base my love on emotions, the challenge at hand doesn’t sway my council or my desire to care for them. It has provided opportunities to instruct children when they might not listen to their own parents, and in many instances, giving me the opportunity to point out and validate a parents decision.
Children are anything but stupid. A child will feel this principle based love to the bone, which presents and reinforces itself through rough experiences, trials and challenges, long after the emotion of a hug or a kiss has worn off.
Principle based love is what you can count on.
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