On Turning 42
I woke up and found I had turned 42…for the second year in a row.
All last year Kathi and I were telling people I was 42 when in fact I was 41. Huh.
I’m sitting here typing as my 1 year old Wynnie is dancing to ‘Adult Education’ by Hall & Oats. She smiles at me in that special way she does–telling me that daddy is loved so much.
I’m grateful this morning, if for nothing else, than because my heart is still beating and I get to be with my family for at least one more day. Reflecting on my life, I found my blessings have outweighed my troubles, making me once again…grateful.
I’m married to my dream girl.
Read MoreWalking in Faith
Kathilynn and I went to look at another home tonight, which doesn’t look like it will pan out. That’s perfectly ok. I know people are looking for the best in renters…not saying we’re bad, but with the past year we don’t have the credit or history most landlords are looking for. So it does begin to wear on you after a couple dozen attempts with no luck and the timer about to buzz.
So my sweetheart and I decided to focus on the positives and go get our grandson James a book for his second birthday. We take the car to Barnes and Noble and during the drive, feelings came out. Stress, concern, anxiety and a growing measure of fear in not knowing whats going to happen to our family yet again, with no place to move to.
I have to admit that I’m feeling calm in comparison to Kathi this time, knowing that if there are wonderful people like Marvin, Sam and Ila Wight out there, there has to be someone else who would rent to a good, loving family…right? Of course. Even if you cannot see it right away.
Suddenly there’s a laugh from Kathi and then a choke and a tear. She says she heard something remarkable in Church on Sunday. A dear sister we have deep respect for, who said she felt it a great honor to have the challenges of life placed upon her.
I had to chew a little on that. Never heard ‘honor’ brought into such a conversation. Grateful yes, humbled maybe, but not honored. It pierced my heart and then Kathi explained.
“She bore testimony of a voice which told her each and every trial, every pain,…every grand canyon trench of sorrow or suffering she experienced in her life was to prepare her for the joy God wanted to bless her with.”
I must have looked slightly confused for a moment, because she softly placed her hand on my arm.
“Think about it. Those experiences, as painful as they may be, gouge us deeply, to be filled with joy…something we could not experience if our trials were shallow. The blessings would roll off the flat surface.”
I don’t know about you, but it gave me a new found respect and I dare say feeling of honor, that God would permit me to suffer so that I may obtain a deeper degree of joy, humility, meekness and peace. Yes, what an honor…to learn how to walk in greater faith.
Read MoreOn the Fly Publications launches…
Through the years of doing Wanted Hero, Kathi and I have learned a great deal through trail & error, spending a lot of money, losing even more and also having a fair share of successes in creating good, fun entertainment for children. It’s been a great adventure by my standards and the best is yet before us.
I’m an old hat at self-publishing, but it’s always been by learning only what I had to at the time. It’s not easy being a one man army / company and it took it’s toll. Looking back, one of my worst habits was settling for what was available instead of doing that intense, in depth study on certain subjects of the publishing industry. So many professionals kept their methods close to the breast and there weren’t too many reliable books on the subject that was tainted and talked about in hushed mockery.
Luckily the economy and technological changes in the publishing industry have revealed more information, more true hearted entrepreneurs and the solutions have floated to the top.
The Buckley Family has always wanted to have their own publishing company, especially with the oldest kids now able to create and contribute substantially to the production of high quality information and entertainment.
On Wednesday last week (February 17th, 2010) we took the final steps to make one of our dreams come true: On the Fly Publications, Inc. was born. A name derived from the story written by my wife and oldest daughter Cesilea about my mother and a song she wrote for me before I was born. The children’s book has been set up to portray the Buckley’s as Frogs and so in a play on words, we named it ‘On the Fly’ (as a series).
We are hopeful that these and other children’s books will become available this year and in years to come, as well as being the publishing company to release the entire Wanted Hero series (and set of series).
Thanks to all the friends, family and business associates who helped us along the way and encouraged us to take the final steps in becoming a family owned publication company.
Read MorePlease Don’t Let My Baby Die.
I was talking with a good friend I have never met. Lafe Langford. Good man, great father and an inspiring example of faith and life in general. We were talking about Mexico, where he lives, the wildlife there and the fun it would be to come down there for some R&R.
We got to talking and he sent me a link to his site, where I read a heart warming story about his experience with his infant daughter Amanda and her life threatening challenge with a bad heart. I recommend this article if you have had struggles with hospitals or health providers. It reminded me of when Cesilea, my oldest, was just an infant herself.
We had moved to West Valley City, Utah and Ditto was just three months old. She had health struggles from the moment she was born until just over a year old, especially with fevers. It was always a challenge to get her temperature down, even with the medicine the doctors gave us. One day I came home from work and Kathi was in a state of panic. Cesilea’s temperature simply would not drop. We did everything we had been taught by the physicians and even our own parents. Nothing worked and as new parents we did what all inexperienced new parents would do: We put the baby in the car and sped off to the closest Hospital.
It was zoo day. The lines were so long, the waiting lines just to get your admission paperwork done zig-zagged through the lobby and out the front doors of the Hospital itself! They had a guard in the lobby making everyone wait their turn, the old women behind the desks shouting out numbers. I didn’t see a single child in line, it was wierd. Within three minutes Cesilea’s breathing had become so shallow, I couldn’t tell if she was breathing at all. Her skin had become so hot it was uncomfortable to hold her. Her body went completely limp.
I remember looking at Kathi and saying “Follow me.” I was determined to make someone listen to me.
I held Cesilea tight against my chest and turned my shoulder into the crowd, pushing my way through. I remember coming up to the guard who blocked my way, people snapping and cussing at me as I cut in front of them. I looked at the guard and opened my arms to reveal my lifeless looking baby and growling, “Move“. He just nodded and held his arms out to clear the way for Kathi and I to get into the main lobby.
Striding up to the counter, I stepped in front of the man sitting in the administration chair and leaned over the counter, placing Cesilea directly into the arms of the grumpy old woman who shouted at me to get back in line.
Her reaction was shock as Ditto’s hot flesh touched hers. The change in her expression was instant as she looked back at me, tears now flowing into uncontrolled sobs.
“Please,” I pleaded, “Please don’t let my baby die.”
Her wrinkled little hand whipped out and hit a button on the wall, yelled something I can’t for the life of me remember, but within moments there were 2 doctors, 3 nurses, and a cart there to take Kathi and Cesilea into the back. In under 10 minutes they had the baby’s fever down as I sat with the woman and did the paperwork–the older gentleman giving me his chair.
When I apologized for my actions, the woman reached over and grabbed my hand.
“My dear, there are days when I forget why I’m here. You did the right thing, in the right way.”
Between you and me, something happened in that experience. I had pushed past the guard at the prompting of the spirit in my heart. “Open your mouth, I will fill it.” was what I heard in my mind, yet when I reached that grouchy woman and opened my mouth, I had never felt so helpless in my life. My whole heart reached out to her in that instant…and regardless of what she was experiencing that day, love met need and my daughter was saved.
That’s my belief, anyway.
Read MoreGrateful for another day.
Don't give up...no matter what.
When my mother died in 2004 I simply gave up in many aspects of my life. Not on Kathi or the children, but for some reason I didn’t care about myself anymore. Now, I understand how this is detrimental to Kathi and the kids, because I’m a husband and father. Yet something in me ‘broke’ and I don’t know how to fix it.
At the end of 2006 I had a minor stroke and have had intense chest problems ever since, with increasing shocks of overwhelming stabs into the left side of my skull. Enough to knock me over and shut down my left eye for a few minutes.
Last night I woke up and after a while, started to cry.
Mortality set in with a fierceness I’ve never experienced before. Kathi lay next to me silent as can be as tears ran down my face, thinking of my children, of all my mistakes and wrong choices in life. The things you wish you never had to experience, or worse…the things you wish to God Almighty you could take them back and save a broken heart…or twelve. The only thing I have done of any worth is marry Kathi and have those incredible children. The rest I seem to screw up no matter what I do. That’s what it feels like, anyway.
I woke feeling very humbled this morning.
All I can do is start from where I am, right here, right now.
I know that’s all anyone can do, but it just feels so…not enough.
Here’s to walking the path of another day and hoping you end up in the right pace at its end.
Ok, I’m done being a big baby…
Read MoreMy Latest Book
