Security: Giving a Child ‘Structure’
Since my oldest was born, Ditto, who’s now 18, we had a bed time ritual and lights out of 7:00pm. That meant after dinner we would get the little ones cleaned up, into the PJ’s and then settle down for a bed time story, sometimes two, where they could cuddle on mom and dad’s bed and have time directed to their entertainment. Hugs and kisses after that as we tucked them into bed.
Now, I never had that when I was growing up. Kathi on the other hand, talks about how her mother tucked her in up until she was 16 years old. Not the stories, but coming in and checking on her, sitting on her bedside and telling Kathi she was loved. I thought that was a bit strange the first time she told me, but then I sat back and looked at both of us. A quick glance over our personalities created an instant desire to follow in my mother-in-laws footsteps.
Over the years we had variations which included a couple years where I would spend almost an hour each night acting out stories by candle light or singing them songs (not me, heaven forbid—Kathi), but always sticking to the schedule of the 7:00pm ritual.
Over the past couple of years we have not kept that schedule and it has shown. Simon and Carley have become unruly, the older children quickly took liberties which were not theirs and suddenly mom and dad lost every second of their ‘down time’ to recuperate before the daily challenges would start again. Anyone with more than on child knows they need to have their batteries replenished with other adults each day to deal with the world of Sesame Street.
Yet it’s not just for the parents that these rituals should be initiated. It’s for the mental and emotional structure of our children. It happens to be something they can count on. Something to bring comfort when the world simply throws you about. Think of it as a nap schedule for the babies. You know a child needs a nap in the day. They all do at some time in their infant stage, or their systems get too taxed. So you lay them down and that miniature troll miraculously becomes an angel once more, once that nap quota has been filled. Needless to say we are back on schedule with not only Carley and Simon, but also with Jami Taylor and Ethany, both a tad older, but also in need of mom and dad time.
Harmony in the home is established once more.
Now what about our teenagers?
Same rule applies. All youth, so long as they are under your care and under your roof, need structure. Something they can count on until they can create structure for themselves. What some tend to miss, is that law and order (in this case it becomes the rules of your family) establish peace and create an environment of structure needed for freedom of thought, action and happiness. It helps youth know their bounds and to reenforce their responsibilities, keeping them accountable—which is what todays society seriously lacks, IMO.
Structure helps a child develop his/her mental faculties and reasoning abilities. Their discernment between right and wrong, acceptable behavior and not as well as embedding your own parental expectations for them as your children. These should all be measured out in love, patience and encouragement.
Read MoreRights of a Child: Unconditional Love
I have been talking about love as a right a child should expect from a parent. In the previous article, principle based love was mentioned, to which a reader connected to ‘unconditional love’.
I agree.
What conflicts in my mind however (and this is only my opinion here, BTW) is the misunderstood application of ‘unconditional love’. Where parents all too often believe that turning the other cheek or ignoring the behavior of a child, regardless of what they do, is in fact unconditional love. Unconditional love is a separation of the sin from the sinner so to speak.
Principle based love is, I believe, a step further in combining accountability with mercy and understanding and instruction.
- Children can be taught at a very early age, the principles and concepts of accountability. Simon is a good example.
When Simon (age 3) writes on my white bedroom walls with a marker, I don’t stop loving him. Nothing can change that. However, I do hold him accountable and show him that his actions require him to make amends if possible. In this case, I show him how to clean the marks with a rag and soapy water, making the motions with him and then watch over him until he has cleaned the mark (within his ability to do so).
I expressed my disappointment, linking it to his action, but then I always increase my display of love as he is willing to follow my directions and make amends. Another good example with Simon is when I call him. Even when he has done something wrong and he knows he might be punished, he comes when called. Why? Because that is what’s expected. It is a consistent pattern reinforced over time through repetition. He knows that I will always talk with him first. We walk through the situation on his level of understanding and what he might have done wrong, explaining why it was wrong. I ask him questions to engage his mind and force his brain to come up with solutions, while recognizing his participation in the events. I give him that respect even as a child, to build his self-awareness, but also hold him accountable for what he’s done.
Again, afterward I pour my love out to him so he knows I adore him,and that I want him to make better choices in the future.
Principle based love is consistent and just.
Read MoreTeach them when they’re young.
Last night I had a parents dream and nightmare mixed together. A young man knew my oldest daughter turned 18 last Sunday and he came to our home and asked to court her.
You say: The guy actually asked your permission?
Yup.
You say: Did my daughter know it happened?
Yup. She was sitting there with me, the young man and her mother. I asked him some questions, his intent, and when I got bored, stood up and got something to eat from the kitchen–shouting back “Keep going, I’m listening.”
Now call me old fashioned, weird, a tyrant, it doesn’t matter–because I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of my choices when it comes to parenting. I will gladly accept support, but not interested in the least when it comes to criticism of the principles I live by. I love my kids. Enough to set bounds, to set rules and to teach them values that will enable them to look back on their lives WITHOUT REGRET.
If I feel it’s getting difficult to be a parent, all I have to do is look at the examples around me. It makes me shutter, slap myself across the face and get my parental priorities straight…especially when a hefty majority of our youth (not even old enough to drive) are off doing who-knows-what, making MANY of them into instant parents! Yeah, they’re ready for that one!
Here’s the clincher for you parents: My daughter sat there in full confidence, appreciation and gratitude, willing to follow my decision with full purpose of heart. Why would that be? She’s not afraid of me. Kathi and I have taught her to think for herself and can hold her own in any debate I’ve engaged in, or listened to.
There are many men who have wanted to get to know my daughter. At the same time, my children are not raised in an environment where prowling predators who cant keep their peters in their pants can get to them. We have a structured household, with strict rules that promote freedom. True freedom. Not chaos. Not promiscuity. Not abuse. Not disrespect. So my daughter knew what i expected of her, and what I will demand of anyone who desires to get close to this family.
This young man knew my rules. He knew I would not bend and you know what? I watched this young man in many situations for the past 3-4 YEARS. There was something about him that I liked, because he was NOT part of my family, but he had similar traits, adhered to most of the same rules, and I got to know his father, his mother, his siblings…all in regular, everyday situations over time, so I had information.
I had a talk with my daughter in private, because her word was the final decision. Though I love her and taught her my will and backed it with the why’s, she’s old enough to take responsibility for herself. Her feelings and desires mean a great deal to me. All I can do is guide at this point.
This was important to her. I felt the same. So did her mother.
My oldest is courting. With my blessing and support.
She has always known what has been expected of her and we have always held her accountable.
How do you interact with your child?
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