Cesilea & Faith’s Buckley Birthday Bash
It’s a wonderful thing to turn 18. It only happens once as we know, but it hit me hard when my first baby finally turned the big 18.
Not because I was sad, but because I had to be responsible for the Church building or she couldn’t have the party there…
I just don’t want to clean up after these kids!
The wonderful thing was, both my daughter and my little sister (yes, Faith is my sibling) had a wonderful turnout. The laughter was constant and the games a plenty as you can see here in the pictures. I have even provided a short clip of the noise level from the party.
Those of you who came, it was wonderful to have you here. Those who didn’t, you truly missed out.
Also…thank all of you for NOT requesting a movie, so I could go into the next room and write this post and side step the chaos.
It means a lot to this old man. =)
Rights of a Child: Unconditional Love
I have been talking about love as a right a child should expect from a parent. In the previous article, principle based love was mentioned, to which a reader connected to ‘unconditional love’.
I agree.
What conflicts in my mind however (and this is only my opinion here, BTW) is the misunderstood application of ‘unconditional love’. Where parents all too often believe that turning the other cheek or ignoring the behavior of a child, regardless of what they do, is in fact unconditional love. Unconditional love is a separation of the sin from the sinner so to speak.
Principle based love is, I believe, a step further in combining accountability with mercy and understanding and instruction.
- Children can be taught at a very early age, the principles and concepts of accountability. Simon is a good example.
When Simon (age 3) writes on my white bedroom walls with a marker, I don’t stop loving him. Nothing can change that. However, I do hold him accountable and show him that his actions require him to make amends if possible. In this case, I show him how to clean the marks with a rag and soapy water, making the motions with him and then watch over him until he has cleaned the mark (within his ability to do so).
I expressed my disappointment, linking it to his action, but then I always increase my display of love as he is willing to follow my directions and make amends. Another good example with Simon is when I call him. Even when he has done something wrong and he knows he might be punished, he comes when called. Why? Because that is what’s expected. It is a consistent pattern reinforced over time through repetition. He knows that I will always talk with him first. We walk through the situation on his level of understanding and what he might have done wrong, explaining why it was wrong. I ask him questions to engage his mind and force his brain to come up with solutions, while recognizing his participation in the events. I give him that respect even as a child, to build his self-awareness, but also hold him accountable for what he’s done.
Again, afterward I pour my love out to him so he knows I adore him,and that I want him to make better choices in the future.
Principle based love is consistent and just.
Read MoreRights of a Child: Love (Part 2)
Yesterday I talked about different types of love and about confronting my own children and Sunday School class about my feelings towards them. In all cases, they knew without doubt that I loved them. Not just my own children, but the kids I teach.
I believe Love is the foundation of being a parent. Yet we have bad examples around us in society beating upon us and especially our kids, which erode the meaning of ‘I love you’ to something said in passing…if anything at all. “I love ya.”
Carley can laugh in such a unique way, which brings anyone who hears her to giggling tears as well!
No.
I tell my children “I love you.”
If they say they love me, I reply with “I love you back.”
Try saying that specifically to your child and see if you feel a difference in your own heart.
I believe loving a child should be principle based, not personality based. It still has emotion attached TO it, but it’s not based UPON it. I love my child for the simple reason that he/she exists, regardless of a tantrum, a bad choice or a mistake. I love them because they are unique, because they are an unknown potential and because in each of them is an unlimited line of more unique beings (a line of posterity), that without this one child…will never exist.
That’s what I see in my child: an endless line of life and brilliance. I also find myself feeling love for other children (and adults for that matter) for the same reasons.
There are times when youth come to me when they will no longer talk with their parents. I’m talking about college students and married couples who come visit with me. Why? They tell me it’s because of our history. Because my love is not dependent on their actions and we have an established relationship of honesty with one another that they need not fear. Because I don’t base my love on emotions, the challenge at hand doesn’t sway my council or my desire to care for them. It has provided opportunities to instruct children when they might not listen to their own parents, and in many instances, giving me the opportunity to point out and validate a parents decision.
Children are anything but stupid. A child will feel this principle based love to the bone, which presents and reinforces itself through rough experiences, trials and challenges, long after the emotion of a hug or a kiss has worn off.
Principle based love is what you can count on.
Rights of a Child: Love
The basic foundation principle of a parent, at least in my own mind, should be love.
Now love is actually a big subject, especially when the world has distorted, misused, chopped up, mutilated and all but destroyed the definition of the word. From a loving mother, holding her new child in her arms after birth, whispering it for the first time….to the perversions of what Hollywood would have you believe, “Love” is defined as many things.
We have tough love, unconditional love, paternal love, brotherly love, the love between a husband and wife, even a ‘love of violence’. So where do we place ourselves as parents when it comes to love in conjunction with out little ones?
I have spent some time reading, talking with my children and even heard a great sermon in church Sunday ON Love, and it deserves to be looked at closely.
My sweet little daughter: Leilani Alyse Uapafutiolevaaoalii Buckley
In wondering how my children felt, I set my yellow pad down and called out to a few of my older children, Cesilea (18), Leilani (15) and Jessica (14). I asked them if they knew mom and I loved them. They just chuckled and said “Of course!” But when I asked them how, they looked puzzled. They couldn’t clarify at first. Nothing came to any of them, until Ditto (Cesilea) jabbed Leilani in the shoulder and laughed: “I know you love Lei, because you didn’t send her back for a working model!”.
It took them some time, but they finally told me they knew they were loved because of a structure we had in our home. When they thought about it, every action and decision Kathi and I made concerning them was engineered for their development. For their progression and their good. Ditto added that the pattern was there, even when they didn’t see it at first.
There were times when my children interacted with their friends, and they would witness conduct from their friends towards their parents, especially the mothers which would make them cringe. It was completely unacceptable behavior and they would come home, embarrassed for themselves…and their friends. “Why would they do that (or say that) to their own mother?” they would ask. Oh, my kids have struggles like any other youth, and they have good days and bad days. My goal is just to help them have far more of the good days.
I took the question next to my Sunday School class. I’m a strict adult, very abrupt, but for some strange reason, the kids want me back every year. That’s gone on for nearly 15 years now.
Standing before 14 twelve year olds (mostly girls), I snapped “Do I hate you guys?”
The room burst into giggles and an occasional laugh. “No.” they replied.
“But I yell at you often!” I bellowed.
One young lady smiled back. “But you love love us anyway.”
I smiled back. They were right. I loved each of them and prided myself on having the brightest kids in Church. Hmmm. I don’t hug them. I don’t change their diapers or feed them. In fact, I tell them stories and frequently call them ‘little craps’ when they act badly. Yet they come back, week after week, parents thank me and say their child has never loved church so much as in that class.
So what kind of love produces that type of result? Is it the same type of love my own children experience in our family?
Read MoreRights of a Child: The Child Itself
The state of the world disturbs me. It becomes almost unbearable to listen to the current news, to read the newspapers and listen to the lives taken, the violence, the atrocities against children in every part of the world…especially in our own backyard. As a father of 10+1 and a brother of 18, the thought of a person harming a child turns my stomach.
Its been burning in my mind and I want to share my own opinion with you in the hopes that you’ll share your views with me. To share with those out there looking for the strength to stand up for their own beliefs, hopefully raising the bar of parenthood. I know it’s a lofty goal, but it’s worth the fight.
It all started as a conversation with Kathi (my sweet wife) as we drove in the car, talking about this blog and how I wanted to share hope through Wanted Hero (my comics and novels). We talked about the Rights of Children and how we as adults have a distorted perspective at times when it comes to what our children actually have rights to, or miss what we should be addressing altogether.
My baby girl Carley Rosina, named after my mom.
First off, shouldn’t we look at the child in and of itself? When a child is brought into this world, it (he/she) comes with a set of obligations on our part. It comes with the child’s creation, because its something WE did. We CHOSE to use our bodies in such a way to create another. Make excuses if you think it’ll help, but once you engage with the opposite sex, you are electing to start a process which creates a drive to make a child. You are responsible.
Now consider that child. It is the weakest creature born on planet Earth in the animal kingdom. When they are born they require immediate and constant care, being completely dependent upon others (it’s parents) for its survival. It cannot walk, communicate or feed itself. You called. It came. Now what?
Too many parents or those contemplating parenthood consider this a ‘pastime’ rather than a life mission. Unfortunately I had many friends who’s parents didn’t show more than mild acknowledgment towards them, and they spent most of their time at my own home. In many instances it was the pursuit of worldly goods, rather than family excellence. Not the required day-to-day needs, but the pursuit of toys, fine clothes and status symbols of various types.
My little buddy, Simon Paul (age 3).
It’s not good enough to simply bring a child into existence, providing nothing more than sustenance and leaving it to its own design. It is your responsibility to provide a foundation for your child to grow and become a productive member of society with the skill set to provide for it’s own comfort and the ability to improve upon all it has and has become.
Namely Love, Security & Education.
Read MoreTeach them when they’re young.
Last night I had a parents dream and nightmare mixed together. A young man knew my oldest daughter turned 18 last Sunday and he came to our home and asked to court her.
You say: The guy actually asked your permission?
Yup.
You say: Did my daughter know it happened?
Yup. She was sitting there with me, the young man and her mother. I asked him some questions, his intent, and when I got bored, stood up and got something to eat from the kitchen–shouting back “Keep going, I’m listening.”
Now call me old fashioned, weird, a tyrant, it doesn’t matter–because I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks of my choices when it comes to parenting. I will gladly accept support, but not interested in the least when it comes to criticism of the principles I live by. I love my kids. Enough to set bounds, to set rules and to teach them values that will enable them to look back on their lives WITHOUT REGRET.
If I feel it’s getting difficult to be a parent, all I have to do is look at the examples around me. It makes me shutter, slap myself across the face and get my parental priorities straight…especially when a hefty majority of our youth (not even old enough to drive) are off doing who-knows-what, making MANY of them into instant parents! Yeah, they’re ready for that one!
Here’s the clincher for you parents: My daughter sat there in full confidence, appreciation and gratitude, willing to follow my decision with full purpose of heart. Why would that be? She’s not afraid of me. Kathi and I have taught her to think for herself and can hold her own in any debate I’ve engaged in, or listened to.
There are many men who have wanted to get to know my daughter. At the same time, my children are not raised in an environment where prowling predators who cant keep their peters in their pants can get to them. We have a structured household, with strict rules that promote freedom. True freedom. Not chaos. Not promiscuity. Not abuse. Not disrespect. So my daughter knew what i expected of her, and what I will demand of anyone who desires to get close to this family.
This young man knew my rules. He knew I would not bend and you know what? I watched this young man in many situations for the past 3-4 YEARS. There was something about him that I liked, because he was NOT part of my family, but he had similar traits, adhered to most of the same rules, and I got to know his father, his mother, his siblings…all in regular, everyday situations over time, so I had information.
I had a talk with my daughter in private, because her word was the final decision. Though I love her and taught her my will and backed it with the why’s, she’s old enough to take responsibility for herself. Her feelings and desires mean a great deal to me. All I can do is guide at this point.
This was important to her. I felt the same. So did her mother.
My oldest is courting. With my blessing and support.
She has always known what has been expected of her and we have always held her accountable.
How do you interact with your child?
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