Security: Associations
This is a touchy subject for me as a parent, because I feel it’s so important. Some will agree, some won’t and I have met many who simply don’t care.
A child should have good associations. That means having friends that you approve of and have influence in such connections. Can you monitor everything? Not likely. Should you? That’s debatable. The general concept here I want to make, is that your children should have associations that minimize the risk of ‘contamination’.
That’s the word that seems to offend: “contamination”.
Here’s what I specifically mean:
I don’t want my children to be associating with others who influence or boldly take them away from the values, beliefs and structure we teach in our home…until such a time that my children display an ability to reason and work out the matters on their own. From there they can choose for themselves, knowing full well the consequences of making such connections and how it will affect their life.
Now in English:
If your kid cusses, tells dirty jokes about whores and plays with Tarot cards, they won’t be welcome in my home, nor will my kids be hanging out with them. Why? Because I don’t want my kids to be like your kid. Plain and simple.
Am I over protective? I don’t believe so. Tool strict? Most likely, but proud of it, actually. I’ve had a great deal happen to me in my life, especially while growing up, to know that no one is going to actively protect my children but Kathi and I. No one loves them like we do. No one wants the very best for them like we do. No one would sacrifice for them like we do. Thus it stands to reason that no one else should have a say in how they are raised like we do. So if you feel like arguing, zip it.
Children are a lot like water storage. If you have ever stored water over a long period of time, you know to place river rocks under and around the barrels. Why? For the taste. If they are left in dirt, they eventually taste like dirt. It seems water has a perfect memory and hold an impression. So do our kids. How many times does a kid of 3 yrs. old have to hear a swear word before they start repeating it?
So consider the youth who are smoking, drinking, having sex,doing drugs, looking at pornography and actively talking badly about their parents and ask yourself if you’re willing to take the chance with your children associating with those types of personalities.
If you create structure in your child’s associations, always letting them know why you are doing such things, I promise you that a situation will arise that will vindicate your efforts in the eyes of your child. Something will happen that they will see your reasoning and support the work you have done. It’s not always easy to stand firm, but again I promise you…it’s worth every battle.
Parenting: The catch 22
It was a long but good weekend, starting off with Cesilea’s 18th birthday, charged with loud and excited youth in celebration of another semi-adult joining their tribe.
Saturday and Sunday brought some challenges in reminders of how our parenting style and system has changed over the years. It came up while observing Jami Taylor and Ethany coming out of their room several times in the late evening (when they’re supposed to be a asleep), to tattle on siblings when it was completely unnecessary.
Parents have a difficult job, just from the duty of providing and caring for the physical needs of a child. With each new life comes an unlimited string of variables no one can predict, from personality traits to when the dog might be shaved bald and painted an off pink. Now compound that stress level by having the responsibility of providing their emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well. This is no easy task.
The main catch 22 of the parenting equation, however, is the job itself.
You see, while you have your offspring under a microscope, they have one firmly fixed on you as well.
Babies are MEANT to be cute, so you totally forget what they'll be like once they're teenagers...
As young children grow into teenagers and momentarily become retarded by the ‘I know more than you could possibly understand’ gene, they fail to realize that we as parents are plagued by a no win situation. We are trying to teach and guide while trying to learn and grow ourselves. This also means we, as the parents make mistakes and errors in our judgment as we try to perfect our job.
Heaven forbid! Mistakes you say? Aye, mistakes.
Yet children, whether it be from a genetic predisposition or simple youth prejudice, rarely give us the benefit of the doubt (or leeway) they openly and boldly demand (or hope) we give them. We have the double burden of trying to teach our kids while being examples worthy of emulation, while they scrape our tired, spent bodies across their unyielding microscope looking for flaws.
When my oldest children approached me not long ago and asked why I didn’t treat them the same way I do their little siblings, all I could do was shrug my shoulders and give them hugs.
“I didn’t know how to do that when you were little. I’m sorry.”
It’s actually a profound revelation for teenagers if you can sit them down to have arational talk on this subject, but for those who simply have a house full of hormone dominant teenagers who can only see their one point of view, take heart. You’re far from alone.
It happens to every single parent on planet Earth.
Welcome to the club.
Read MoreYour mother, my beloved.
Dear Children,
I’m a strict parent. I know it’s not a secret and that will not change. Each family member has duties, responsibilities and rules to follow so we can achieve and maintain our happy little home. Doesn’t always work, I know, but you have all seen that it works far more than not. Your mother and I love each other and we love all of you dearly. We base our decisions upon principle, not the popular whims of your friends or their own families, which at times has caused friction between us. The rest of the chaos in our home is based on selfishness. Feelings so important to us that we simply will not listen to another point of view or humble ourselves to be instructed by those with more wisdom and experience.
I’ve tried to show you that most of the worlds problems are from nothing more than a root in selfishness. Think about that one for a spell and see where you come up. Blame world hunger, war, the bad politicians we have in every facet of this government on whatever else you like, but 9 out of 10 times it’s gonna be complete horse crap.
It all eventually comes down to selfishness.
In this family, there is a patriarchal order. You don’t have to agree with that, doesn’t matter in the least because this family is not a democracy. You may elect to establish one in your own family someday, but in this family, everyone has a place and a measure of respect, simply because of who you are. I don’t yell at you or spank you or even ground you. I talk with you and strive to work out the problems between us. I love you. You’re part of our family unit and that means something, from birth to death. It means something to me, your father.
However, in this family you must realize mom is the Queen.
I love each of you children with all my heart. I would die for you and take life for you, but someday each and every one of you are going to leave this home and start families or lives of your own. What will remain is your mother and I. She doesn’t know this, but one of the things I felt when we met so long ago, was an excitement about growing old together. To care for her, protect her and cherish her forever.
I loved her first. I loved her the most. I will love her last.
You don’t understand this yet, but the love I have for your mother cannot be defined. Not without making it sound less than what it truly is. Words truly cannot describe the experiences of growing old together and building dreams together, sharing the pain and suffering, the stress and grief along with untold joy. You must experience it for yourself.
Just know this: I choose her.
If you act in such a way as to divide this house and make me choose, you will lose every time. I am on the side of correct principle. Your mother also lives by principle and is why she holds the respect of so many, including myself. You fight her because of your selfishness, wanting to have your choices supported, regardless of who they may hurt. I caution you not to alienate your greatest defender…because she has kept your butts away from many a swatting over the years.
She is the mercy in our home. I am not. Keep that in mind.
Know that when you step outside the bounds of your place and bring disrespect upon this family and most particularly upon your own mother, you chose to go where I cannot follow. At that point, she no longer stands as your mother. She then becomes my wife and I will defend and protect her from you.
As your father I have many expectations, hopes, desires and requests. However, I have one absolute demand:
Respect and honor your mother. She is Queen of my heart, my home and my family. She is my life, my love and my beloved. God help any person who wounds her heart and gets within my reach.
She brought you into this life, bearing you in pain and anguish. Has raised you in love, caring for you, cooking for you, cleaning your clothes and educating you. She deals with your tantrums, your misconceptions, open rebellions and unrighteous accusations. Yet she bears with you in patience, in love and cares for you regardless, unwilling to leave you to your own design. All these things she does to help you develop and have a good life. Above all, she is your advocate with me, when many times you act in such a way I felt it would be wise to simply make another.
You are free to feel as you wish towards me, but I’m here as your father first, then your friend, not the reverse. I now draw the line at your feet and plead with you not to cross it.
Please, respect and love your mother.
This is non negotiable.
Love,
Your Father.
Read MoreRights of a Child: Security
We have talked about love and now I would like to dive into something I am passionate about on a deeper level, and that is a child’s security.
As I remarked in the beginning, a human child is by far the weakest, most dependent animal when born. Its survival is completely dependent upon its parents.
Now introduce the world as you know it.
There are unlimited untold dangers around you, from the dog next door who always seems to get out of it’s yard and snap at you as you make your way to the car. There’s the kids hanging at the corner selling drugs, or maybe looking for some extra milk money. But it goes much further than that. There’s the construction workers belting out their extensive four-letter vocabulary as you walk by with little Johnny in the stroller, or the unlimited magazine covers in every grocery store in the country, flashing half naked bodies and headlines about what women should do in bed.
Wait, don’t get offended yet, there’s MORE!
…how about the unlimited flow of pornography on the internet, which now advertises on the main sites kids go to for video games, movie downloads and independent software creation and support. Then there’s the hard rock and rap that seems to have a thing for sex, dead cops and a burning society. No, no, wait–we also have the ever deteriorating scoring system in movies and television that plainly promotes homosexuality, drugs, rape, or the never ending cops shows that depict every crime involving pedophiles and rapists as common everyday occurrences.
I haven’t even scratched the surface and you know it.
Yes, we want our child to be physically secure and safe and that’s usually what a parent thinks when it comes their child’s safety. But what about the mind? The heart? Their very spirit?
Do not fear what can kill the body as much as what can kill the soul.
To me, the security of my children is of utmost importance and where my own past has prepared me to deal with a varied and corrupt future. Let’s look into some considerations….
Read MoreCesilea & Faith’s Buckley Birthday Bash
It’s a wonderful thing to turn 18. It only happens once as we know, but it hit me hard when my first baby finally turned the big 18.
Not because I was sad, but because I had to be responsible for the Church building or she couldn’t have the party there…
I just don’t want to clean up after these kids!
The wonderful thing was, both my daughter and my little sister (yes, Faith is my sibling) had a wonderful turnout. The laughter was constant and the games a plenty as you can see here in the pictures. I have even provided a short clip of the noise level from the party.
Those of you who came, it was wonderful to have you here. Those who didn’t, you truly missed out.
Also…thank all of you for NOT requesting a movie, so I could go into the next room and write this post and side step the chaos.
It means a lot to this old man. =)
Rights of a Child: Unconditional Love
I have been talking about love as a right a child should expect from a parent. In the previous article, principle based love was mentioned, to which a reader connected to ‘unconditional love’.
I agree.
What conflicts in my mind however (and this is only my opinion here, BTW) is the misunderstood application of ‘unconditional love’. Where parents all too often believe that turning the other cheek or ignoring the behavior of a child, regardless of what they do, is in fact unconditional love. Unconditional love is a separation of the sin from the sinner so to speak.
Principle based love is, I believe, a step further in combining accountability with mercy and understanding and instruction.
- Children can be taught at a very early age, the principles and concepts of accountability. Simon is a good example.
When Simon (age 3) writes on my white bedroom walls with a marker, I don’t stop loving him. Nothing can change that. However, I do hold him accountable and show him that his actions require him to make amends if possible. In this case, I show him how to clean the marks with a rag and soapy water, making the motions with him and then watch over him until he has cleaned the mark (within his ability to do so).
I expressed my disappointment, linking it to his action, but then I always increase my display of love as he is willing to follow my directions and make amends. Another good example with Simon is when I call him. Even when he has done something wrong and he knows he might be punished, he comes when called. Why? Because that is what’s expected. It is a consistent pattern reinforced over time through repetition. He knows that I will always talk with him first. We walk through the situation on his level of understanding and what he might have done wrong, explaining why it was wrong. I ask him questions to engage his mind and force his brain to come up with solutions, while recognizing his participation in the events. I give him that respect even as a child, to build his self-awareness, but also hold him accountable for what he’s done.
Again, afterward I pour my love out to him so he knows I adore him,and that I want him to make better choices in the future.
Principle based love is consistent and just.
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