Pain is the Universe telling you that you haven’t learned your lesson yet. That sucks, because I’ve had a lot of pain this week.
It’s forced me to take a deep personal inventory of not only my life, but my specific habits. It was disgusting and painful to hold that mirror up to my own face, but even harder to look myself in complete honesty. I still feel some weight on my heart, but I’m working through it.
I’ve been scared and reacting for the past month because of financial pressures and extreme situations in caring for my family. Just when one event seems to be handled, two more kicked my feet out from under me and it wasn’t long before it was hard to breathe. With work gone for the time being (it has its cycles), bill of course pile up and though I have learned how to juggle, my biggest heartache has been letting down my landlord.
Now that might seem like an odd thing to say, but Shawn is a great man. It was my intention from the moment we moved in to always live above and beyond approach, pay rent early and keep this property immaculate. I did all that up until the work stopped. Now Shawn could have evicted us immediately, but he didn’t. He told me when we moved in that if I was ever a day late, find a new place to live, because we wouldn’t be having that conversation. I respected that from day one.
30 days later we’re still here because that man truly cares and knew we were doing everything we could. I don’t know many people who would do that. So every moment he has to wait, I feel ashamed and that weight piles up.
Yesterday, something unusual happened. I don’t remember the actual moment, but a thought came to me.
It was time to simplify. Life, work, expectations and more. Not lower my standards, but to narrow my focus and expend all my energy in the direction I am meant to travel. That means Wanted Hero. That means caring for my family (and building back that confidence level between myself and Shawn). That means cutting out all the extra jobs I give myself to fill the time, when I should actually be concise and on track with specific goals.
All extra websites I was building/maintaining/promoting have been put on hold or redirected to this blog. That even includes Wanted Hero. The priority is getting these books written. Promotion comes after. The only exception is this blog because it’s my daily therapy. You might not need me, my friend, but I need you…whether you leave a comment or not.
It was then the pressure started to lift. I could breathe and I knew I was on the right path. I’m only one person, but my habit is to expect the near impossible as a daily routine. That’s insane! Well, the Universe seemed to be happy with my choices…
I got to spend the whole day with my baby girl as everyone else went to church. A 9 month old firecracker and do you know what she did once everyone left? She crawled up to me on the couch, stared at me for nearly 4 minutes, smiled, laid her head and arms across my belly and went to sleep. Not a fuss, not a whimper, just the sweetest smile and cuddling for over 4 hours.
I sat and held Wynnie while I watched Peter Sellers in a couple Pink Panther movies.
-Jaime Buckley
My Latest Book
