How Do You Say Sorry?
In 20 years of marriage, father of 11 brilliant children and owner/co-owner of several businesses, I have learned by sad experience how critically flawed I am. Those I love most and those I worked closest with, were consistently hurt the deepest. For example, the heart of a child can be deeply wounded when we, as parents ask the wrong questions, challenging aspects of their nature they thought secure in your eyes. Yet in a moment, in a breath, we can create a chasm between us.
This isn’t an intentional thing we do, but those who are closest to us lower their defenses naturally. They trust us and/or care about us that they allow us access to their hearts. So when we do something stupid, even something as minor as a comment, the damage is far greater than if the same act was against a stranger.
I have been thinking about this subject for over a year now, because I find myself unable to repair damages I’m not even sure I caused.
A few years ago, we had a young woman named Bonnie came to work with my partners and I. She was fresh out of school, filled with ideas and bursting with talent in the marketing/branding/design fields. Now I’m a cartoonist, and my position up to that point was the marketing and promotion of our company, so the first emotional reaction at the moment she walked on the screen was: threat. Now why would I, a partner of the company, feel threatened by an attractive young consultant?
- It had nothing to do with her talent: her design skills far outclassed my own and I knew it. It was the reason she was hired in the first place and I actually EXCITED she was there–to do all the things I couldn’t.
- It had nothing to do with her presence: she is a lovely woman, intelligent and capable of anything she decides to do, and her manners / respect for others were impeccable.
- It had nothing to do with her performance: when Bonnie was given any assignment, you could rest assured it would be done not only correctly, but with several options to choose from. She far exceeded any of our expectations.
- It had nothing to do with her education and the lack of my own: she was a college grad, but I was the street guy with world experience under my belt. She knew things I certainly didn’t, while I also had a reputation for succeeding in areas others said wouldn’t work. There was 0% intimidation.
So what was it that drove me insane with dread?
It was the influence she had on my partner. That’s right. He was so impressed with Bonnie’s work, and rightly so…he would make company wide decisions without consulting his partners that affected our company as a whole and us as individuals. In effect, Bonnie became more powerful than the other three partners combined.
That bothered me. A lot.
Here’s the clincher: it had nothing to do with her. It wasn’t her fault. Never was.
She was hired and assigned projects, which she did with full purpose and style. I was always impressed without exception. However, my lack of ability to communicate tactfully and a genetic disposition for open confrontation resulted in challenging her everything she did in front of my partner. When it should have been isolated between the partners, I offended an innocent bystander.
To this day she won’t speak to me, though she holds regular communications with all my ex-partners.
Can’t even get close enough to apologize. Wish I knew then what I know now, but I guess that is life.
Be careful what you say and especially how you say it. You may think you can apologize at a future time…but they might not allow you that golden opportunity.
In the end, you will regret you ever opened your mouth in the first place.
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Jaime, that was brilliant…and most humble!
You are wise beyond your years