I have been talking about love as a right a child should expect from a parent. In the previous article, principle based love was mentioned, to which a reader connected to ‘unconditional love’.
I agree.
What conflicts in my mind however (and this is only my opinion here, BTW) is the misunderstood application of ‘unconditional love’. Where parents all too often believe that turning the other cheek or ignoring the behavior of a child, regardless of what they do, is in fact unconditional love. Unconditional love is a separation of the sin from the sinner so to speak.
Principle based love is, I believe, a step further in combining accountability with mercy and understanding and instruction.
- Children can be taught at a very early age, the principles and concepts of accountability. Simon is a good example.
When Simon (age 3) writes on my white bedroom walls with a marker, I don’t stop loving him. Nothing can change that. However, I do hold him accountable and show him that his actions require him to make amends if possible. In this case, I show him how to clean the marks with a rag and soapy water, making the motions with him and then watch over him until he has cleaned the mark (within his ability to do so).
I expressed my disappointment, linking it to his action, but then I always increase my display of love as he is willing to follow my directions and make amends. Another good example with Simon is when I call him. Even when he has done something wrong and he knows he might be punished, he comes when called. Why? Because that is what’s expected. It is a consistent pattern reinforced over time through repetition. He knows that I will always talk with him first. We walk through the situation on his level of understanding and what he might have done wrong, explaining why it was wrong. I ask him questions to engage his mind and force his brain to come up with solutions, while recognizing his participation in the events. I give him that respect even as a child, to build his self-awareness, but also hold him accountable for what he’s done.
Again, afterward I pour my love out to him so he knows I adore him,and that I want him to make better choices in the future.
Principle based love is consistent and just.
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